I dont think I can be of any help I’m afraid but I really do feel for you. I think you need to keep calm and just go through all the right processes to get it sorted. Sounds like it won’t get sorted without a solicitor with her being like she is with money and of course she’ll be getting plenty of unhelpful advice from friends and her side of the family.
The D word
- Thread starter Conan
- Start date
eternumviti
Insufficient privileges to reply.
You start that piece of advice by recommending speaking to up to three lawyers, and finish it by recommending avoiding them altogether if possible.
The two probably aren't compatible.
Ponty
pfm Member
Conan, very sorry to hear of your situation. My uncle is a professional, he’s on his 4th wife, I really don’t know how he affords it. In all seriousness, be careful. The last friend of mine who got divorced was in a similar situation to you. Couple of young kids, he earned good money, she earned F all, as well as coming into the marriage with F all. She spent money like a sailor in port. Bottom line was, she was awarded north of 80% of the combined net worth (which all came from him) plus a chunky sum every month until the kids are grown up. She has to be kept in the manner to which she has become accustomed you see, all down to him. Oh, and he pays the school fees. If she moves a toy boy worth F all into the house, he still has to cough up. That figure was quite high, the previous friend only lost 2/3’s of the net worth (which again, all came from him) and they didn’t even have kids! The law really is tilted against you and as soon as she speaks to a lawyer (who’ll be keen to escalate issues to rack up the hours), she’ll know this. I really do wish you all the luck in the world but keep your wits about you. As others have said, keeps things as amicable as possible.
Nero
Re: Tired
If you can keep it amicable, make sure you get the final agreement in writing, which will require a professional. My ex came back and asked for more afterwards. That door was closed pretty sharpish.
The age of your children is similar to the age of mine when it happened. It can be devastating for them, and they are very easily turned by an aggrieved mother. Assuming there isn't a third party involved, try and rub along with mediation until separation is inevitable, simply to ease the childrens' impact. They say it is possible to live separately in the same house, but it wasn't going to work for me. You will of course need to stump up a minimum of 10% of your after-tax income to support each child regardless.
But I said I wouldn't comment further, so I wish you best of luck sorting it out.
The age of your children is similar to the age of mine when it happened. It can be devastating for them, and they are very easily turned by an aggrieved mother. Assuming there isn't a third party involved, try and rub along with mediation until separation is inevitable, simply to ease the childrens' impact. They say it is possible to live separately in the same house, but it wasn't going to work for me. You will of course need to stump up a minimum of 10% of your after-tax income to support each child regardless.
But I said I wouldn't comment further, so I wish you best of luck sorting it out.
Brown Bottle
UTB
Approaching nearly 30 years since I split with the first Mrs BB. My ex was a complete nightmare when we split, we were both unhappy and she initiated it but used my son to try to control me afterwards. I got help from a couple of workmates and they put me in touch with an excellent lawyer.
Hope everything turns out something like you’d want it to.
Cheers BB
Hope everything turns out something like you’d want it to.
Cheers BB
The only time we had a joint bank account it was just a small proportion of salary to cover joint expenses.
Second wife was a bit clueless with finances so i would never have dared open a joint account.
Current partner is as tight as a duck's derriere me so we're well matched.
Second wife was a bit clueless with finances so i would never have dared open a joint account.
Current partner is as tight as a duck's derriere me so we're well matched.
Cav
pfm Member
Many of the examples you have been given relate to the Law prior to April 2022 and might no longer be the way things are done. Rather than ask here see if you can get a free session with a Solicitor to at least get some professional and up to date advice.
The 2/3 lawyers recommendation is about getting up to speed, via a meeting or two, on what would likely happen in a divorce so the OP can make better and informed decisions. The second point refers to engaging a lawyer full-time.
Whatever the OP decides to do, I wish him the best of luck.
PsB
Citizen of Nowhere™
Conan,
Very sorry to hear of your situation. I have no direct personal experience of divorce, but have watched a lot of close family and friends go through the ordeal, with "outcomes" ranging from the civilized (both parents still on speaking terms, even capable of weekends or outings together with the kids) to the awful (10-year trench warfare, 6-figure sums spent on lawyers, irreparable psychological trauma, etc. with no end in sight). So FWIW, a few suggestions:
- As others have said, do try to keep it amicable, even if that might seem difficult: the mother of your children and your children deserve the same as you do, i.e. a considerate and civilized separation process. Arbitration is always worth trying.
- On the other hand, don't be naive: if your wife seems determined to take you to the cleaners and wreck your future life, you will need a good lawyer. Good lawyers are usually expensive and sometimes hard to find, so it is worth spending some time on finding the right one. If you realize after a few months that the lawyer you picked is not doing the job to your liking, finding and briefing a new one will be expensive.
- Almost inevitably, these things turn into a negotiation about money. You may want to consider making a higher/better offer early on, in the hope of cutting a very expensive and debilitating process as short as possible. In other words give the money to your wife now rather than to the lawyers over the next few years of an expensive legal battle, one that you may lose anyway. It sounds as if your earning ability is much higher than hers, so something like @Andy Stephenson suggested upthread may be something to think about.
I hope you can all come to a reasonable agreement.
Very sorry to hear of your situation. I have no direct personal experience of divorce, but have watched a lot of close family and friends go through the ordeal, with "outcomes" ranging from the civilized (both parents still on speaking terms, even capable of weekends or outings together with the kids) to the awful (10-year trench warfare, 6-figure sums spent on lawyers, irreparable psychological trauma, etc. with no end in sight). So FWIW, a few suggestions:
- As others have said, do try to keep it amicable, even if that might seem difficult: the mother of your children and your children deserve the same as you do, i.e. a considerate and civilized separation process. Arbitration is always worth trying.
- On the other hand, don't be naive: if your wife seems determined to take you to the cleaners and wreck your future life, you will need a good lawyer. Good lawyers are usually expensive and sometimes hard to find, so it is worth spending some time on finding the right one. If you realize after a few months that the lawyer you picked is not doing the job to your liking, finding and briefing a new one will be expensive.
- Almost inevitably, these things turn into a negotiation about money. You may want to consider making a higher/better offer early on, in the hope of cutting a very expensive and debilitating process as short as possible. In other words give the money to your wife now rather than to the lawyers over the next few years of an expensive legal battle, one that you may lose anyway. It sounds as if your earning ability is much higher than hers, so something like @Andy Stephenson suggested upthread may be something to think about.
I hope you can all come to a reasonable agreement.
Thorn
pfm Member
Hey, my baby needs shoes, you know!
DarrenW
Oxygen User
Take your time before you speak to your wife is my advice, do the free half hour thing and then spend some time (months) thinking about your options, courts are mega slow currently so if you rush in and it gets contentious it might take a few years to sort at a very difficult time for your kids given their ages
ask about resolution membership, tend to be less fighty
Ask about pension sharing, often folks don’t calc the pensions into the financial settlement they think they are goin* to get, sounds like you will have a good one and she is entitled to a chunk of it
No fault divorce changes will help make it less hostile
You will need to roll with some punches if you are going to avoid huge fees, solicitors that are any good tend to be circa £300 per hour with the vat so save up a bit whilst you are thinking about things, also good solicitors will be busy so you might not get in straight away
Def go local with a recommendation re solicitor
best of luck
ask about resolution membership, tend to be less fighty
Ask about pension sharing, often folks don’t calc the pensions into the financial settlement they think they are goin* to get, sounds like you will have a good one and she is entitled to a chunk of it
No fault divorce changes will help make it less hostile
You will need to roll with some punches if you are going to avoid huge fees, solicitors that are any good tend to be circa £300 per hour with the vat so save up a bit whilst you are thinking about things, also good solicitors will be busy so you might not get in straight away
Def go local with a recommendation re solicitor
best of luck
Jezzer
Unspecified
I’m divorced and so are half of my friends. Fortunately for me, mine was amicable. The whole process took about a year (I lost my house but luckily we didn’t have kids). I continued to see my ex-wife for a few years afterwards, catching up for dinner from time to time but it was all a bit weird so that stopped. One chap I know, a well to do finance type, had an awful divorce. Lost tens of thousands and even lost the chance to get a glimpse of his two daughters (he was arrested for ‘stalking’ them). The trauma and impact of the divorce has taken its physical and mental toll on the man over the past several stretched-out years…