The D word
- Thread starter Conan
- Start date
zarniwoop
hoopy frood
Echoing the advice above, speak to a solicitor. Lay it all out for them and let them take you through the options and likely outcomes.
If you think there is the slightest chance of reconciliation you could talk to a relationship counsellor. You can consult them independently of your partner to start with if you wish.
You have my sympathies - I've been there.
If you think there is the slightest chance of reconciliation you could talk to a relationship counsellor. You can consult them independently of your partner to start with if you wish.
You have my sympathies - I've been there.
richardg
Admonishtrator
Can only speak on my experience. Eventually it just boiled down to money. Neither of us had much. She wanted 15 grand. I said 5. She said no. She was on legal aid and so I was able to defeat her solicitor without any legal representation, saving me thousands as I was thankfully not eligible, being on 35 grand a year at the time. If I had been eligible, I'd have taken it and possibly got equally poor representation. The support at that level is so bad, you just need to be organised with your papers and show that they are not organised with theirs, as was the case for me (house numbers wrong, addresses wrong, dates wrong, stuff like that). I was granted a divorce without any payment to her at all in the end.
Cav
pfm Member
The Law was changed in April: Get a divorce: step by step - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)
eternumviti
Insufficient privileges to reply.
How old are the kids, Conan?
Conan
Loop digger
14 & 12
SteveS1
I heard that, pardon?
Conan, is there any chance the two of you could agree at least the basic outline of terms?
It would be easier and cheaper to go to a lawyer with an agreed idea of who gets what both materially and access wise etc. In negotiating that, it may have some value to sacrifice a bit in order to keep everything as unconfrontational as possible.
It would be easier and cheaper to go to a lawyer with an agreed idea of who gets what both materially and access wise etc. In negotiating that, it may have some value to sacrifice a bit in order to keep everything as unconfrontational as possible.
eternumviti
Insufficient privileges to reply.
The Courts will want outcome for the children as a priority. You will have to agree between you how you are going to manage that before the legal system gets too involved if you can.
sean99
pfm Member
No advice, but you have my deepest sympathies. Marriage and raising kids can be very hard - I hope you can get to a better situation, but keep a very careful eye on the kids since they're very susceptible to depression and anxiety issues at that age, and this can be both difficult to treat and very debilitating.
zarniwoop
hoopy frood
I'm not up to speed with recent changes in the law mentioned upthread but when I did mine (2008/2009) the advice was to try to reach a settlement with your wife without involving the courts. This applies both to custody of the kids and financial. We went for mediation, which is where an independent mediator helps you to arrive at something acceptable to both. The mediator we used was hopeless and kept making mistakes with her summary of what was agreed at each session and eventually we just sorted it out ourselves, but I'm sure there are some good ones. We avoided the courts though with a negotiated settlement drafted by a solicitor.
You moving to rented and your wife keeping the house is not the only possible solution. While maintaining a home and stability for the children will be everyone's priority there can be ways to achieve this without such an uneven split of assets.
Snufkin
pfm Member
I would change that now.
zarniwoop
hoopy frood
Sometimes there is enough marital wealth to provide for 2 homes based on selling the marital home. If not, a Mesher order may be an option so that when you move out you don’t lose all your equity. https://brittontime.com/2021/01/18/six-things-you-need-to-know-about-a-mesher-order/
I cannot stress enough that I have no legal training and my understanding is 14 years out of date. I’m just offering personal reflections based on when I went through the same thing.
My kids were 14,11 and 8 when our divorce became final. It’s tough on everyone but if you can remain civil with your ex and agree things between you it’s better than having a court decide.
gintonic
50 shades of grey pussy cats
so important the mediator is accurate. I am a workplace mediator, and i would have no success if i wasnt accurate in my summaries.
Andy Stephenson
pfm Member
Been there, done that, got the certificate to prove it!
Best advice I can give is: Keep it as friendly as you can. Any conflict will be expensive further down the line.
What worked for me was:
Letting her stay in the house with the kids, she paid the mortgage from then on and bought my half later on.
I saw the kids every weekday for an hour and a half after work and took them to see their grandparents for half a day on saturdays.
I paid more maintenance than she was entitled to so she never had any reason for complaints.
We never argued, so ultimately there were no solicitors involved and it never cost either of us a penny aside from the usual paperwork fees.
It's a sad enough business without making it more difficult than it needs to be.
Good Luck Andy
Best advice I can give is: Keep it as friendly as you can. Any conflict will be expensive further down the line.
What worked for me was:
Letting her stay in the house with the kids, she paid the mortgage from then on and bought my half later on.
I saw the kids every weekday for an hour and a half after work and took them to see their grandparents for half a day on saturdays.
I paid more maintenance than she was entitled to so she never had any reason for complaints.
We never argued, so ultimately there were no solicitors involved and it never cost either of us a penny aside from the usual paperwork fees.
It's a sad enough business without making it more difficult than it needs to be.
Good Luck Andy
Divorcee here too. Mediation is, in effect, mandatory. As above, keep it as civil as possible (your kids, if no one else, will thank you) and realise that the whole process will likely cause short term physiological as well as psychological harm to all of you. How you all handle it will determine whether that becomes longterm. A word of warning, mediators can be utterly rubbish and lawyers can create chargeable work out of thin air. Keep good records of all contact with your solicitor especially face to face. The person who sues for divorce rather than the person who initiates mediation usually picks up much of the legal tab.
Don't be in any rush to 'get back out there' if you are not involved with anyone already and, as hard as it may seem, try not to get drawn into (or indeed, start) any more arguments.
Good luck.
Don't be in any rush to 'get back out there' if you are not involved with anyone already and, as hard as it may seem, try not to get drawn into (or indeed, start) any more arguments.
Good luck.