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Silly things that amuse

I found this amusing:

Lindsey Hoyle’s decision represented “a departure from the long-established convention for dealing with such amendments on opposition days”
 
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What it’s like to be British -


• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”


• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”


• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best


• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door


• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit


• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand


• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home


• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector


• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”


• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it


• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands


• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck


• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change


• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again


• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested


• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”


• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon


• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it


• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave


• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible


• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about


• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake


• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot


• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink


• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit


• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it


• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”


• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever


• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever


• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’


• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether


• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing


• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again


• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up


• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again.
 
Suffolk Tony said:
What it’s like to be British -


• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”


• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”


• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best


• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door


• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit


• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand


• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home


• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector


• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”


• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it


• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands


• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck


• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change


• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again


• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested


• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”


• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon


• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it


• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave


• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible


• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about


• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake


• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot


• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink


• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit


• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it


• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”


• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever


• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever


• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’


• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether


• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing


• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again


• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up


• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again.
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Really enjoyed that then agonised a bit about whether I should let you know.
 
This is probably one of those things that would only be funny if you were there (and knew my gf), but I'll share it anyway.

The gf and I had to go to the school for a meeting yesterday. They've got this new computer display to sign in. You put your details in and at the end (to our surprise), it has a short countdown before taking a picture of your face. Unfortunately the camera is very low down and doesn't give a very flattering picture. A couple of seconds before it took the picture, I sarcastically said "you look nice" - (she laughed because she knew the picture looked terrible, and that made me laugh) and then she looked even worse, which made us both laugh even more. It then took the photo - she gained a double chin, wonky smile and squinty eyes. You can't retake the photo, so you're stuck with it. I took mine, and she tried to put me off, but I came out looking fine. I think a big part of the amusement is the fact that she laughed, but was also annoyed at the same time.
Anyway, as we sat in the waiting room with the other parents, and the secretaries in view. I struggled so much to keep myself from bursting out laughing. I had to try to think of anything else to keep a straight face. I'm sure if I had someone with me who also found it hilarious, I would have been crying with laughter. I still giggle to myself now when thinking about it.
 
I went to a night club a while back, but got refused entry, as I was not wearing a tie. Didn't have one with me, but remembered I had something in the car that might do. Went back, with my jump leads tied around my neck. The bouncer said "I will let you in, but don't start anything".
 
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While my wife was being attended to in the fertility clinic, I amused the other people in the waiting room by telling jokes. At the end I received a standing ovulation.
 
Fatmarley said:
This is probably one of those things that would only be funny if you were there (and knew my gf), but I'll share it anyway.

The gf and I had to go to the school for a meeting yesterday. They've got this new computer display to sign in. You put your details in and at the end (to our surprise), it has a short countdown before taking a picture of your face. Unfortunately the camera is very low down and doesn't give a very flattering picture. A couple of seconds before it took the picture, I sarcastically said "you look nice" - (she laughed because she knew the picture looked terrible, and that made me laugh) and then she looked even worse, which made us both laugh even more. It then took the photo - she gained a double chin, wonky smile and squinty eyes. You can't retake the photo, so you're stuck with it. I took mine, and she tried to put me off, but I came out looking fine. I think a big part of the amusement is the fact that she laughed, but was also annoyed at the same time.
Anyway, as we sat in the waiting room with the other parents, and the secretaries in view. I struggled so much to keep myself from bursting out laughing. I had to try to think of anything else to keep a straight face. I'm sure if I had someone with me who also found it hilarious, I would have been crying with laughter. I still giggle to myself now when thinking about it.
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@Fatmarley - this made me giggle because its so true; I've been to Clients sites with systems like that.
- Even without distraction, most people end-up with a badge that looks like a walk-on part from Monsters, Inc.
 
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