Bye bye manpad, hello daughter.
- Thread starter Olaup
- Start date
My take on this is twofold:
I have a great relationship with my parents, but was keen to go out and find my way in the world. I pretty much left when I went to university. 25 years on I do feel that I haven’t seen as much of them as I would have liked. My younger sister hung around for longer and definitely has a closer relationship. For all my their flaws (and there are many) I like my mum and dad. Enjoy having her around..!
The second thought is the flip side of the above. We have lived with my in-laws twice: once for a month with a 6 month old baby when we had a gap between selling our house and completing on the one we bought. The second time was for 3 months as a family of three while we had a major house refurb done - OMG was that painful. A real clash of how people live - the tensions were so high all the time that spending as long as possible at work was the only way to stay sane.
My learning is that there needs to be give and take all round, and that includes between you and your wife. If this is a relatively temporary arrangement, then headphones will be fine (though note you will have both lost your private space in the house and will be expected to be in the company of your wife and daughter more). If longer, then some concessions from your wife on music and hifi is going to be important, just as you will need to accept your times and access to music will change.
My daughter is 11. One day she will move out; though we’d rather have her around forever (this attitude may change as she goes full teenager…!).
I have a great relationship with my parents, but was keen to go out and find my way in the world. I pretty much left when I went to university. 25 years on I do feel that I haven’t seen as much of them as I would have liked. My younger sister hung around for longer and definitely has a closer relationship. For all my their flaws (and there are many) I like my mum and dad. Enjoy having her around..!
The second thought is the flip side of the above. We have lived with my in-laws twice: once for a month with a 6 month old baby when we had a gap between selling our house and completing on the one we bought. The second time was for 3 months as a family of three while we had a major house refurb done - OMG was that painful. A real clash of how people live - the tensions were so high all the time that spending as long as possible at work was the only way to stay sane.
My learning is that there needs to be give and take all round, and that includes between you and your wife. If this is a relatively temporary arrangement, then headphones will be fine (though note you will have both lost your private space in the house and will be expected to be in the company of your wife and daughter more). If longer, then some concessions from your wife on music and hifi is going to be important, just as you will need to accept your times and access to music will change.
My daughter is 11. One day she will move out; though we’d rather have her around forever (this attitude may change as she goes full teenager…!).
Darren L
Egalitarian
@TomF living with the inlaws is alot different than having a kid come back home.
I had a similar experience to you, living with inlaws whilst waiting on a house being refurbished with a toddler approaching two and a premature new born in tow, my ex-partner didn't struggle so much, back at home with built in babysitters, I was 'okay' (just) with it until my ex's sibling threatened to 'smack' my first born, I hit the roof, it all came out, lol and the shit hit the fan.
I had a similar experience to you, living with inlaws whilst waiting on a house being refurbished with a toddler approaching two and a premature new born in tow, my ex-partner didn't struggle so much, back at home with built in babysitters, I was 'okay' (just) with it until my ex's sibling threatened to 'smack' my first born, I hit the roof, it all came out, lol and the shit hit the fan.
Joe Hutch
Mate of the bloke
It will, if our experience is anything to go by. The years from 13 to 16 went by in a blur of shouting and slammed doors. The absolute nadir was when she wasn’t staying at a friend’s house as she’d told us, but ‘sleeping over’ in a house full of young lads. Fortunately the hangover she had was so bad it slowed her down for a few weeks.
tones
Tones deaf
On the other hand, watching make their own independent way in the world is a pleasure, and you can feel pleased that you were a part of it all. Our elder young(?) lady turned 40 yesterday. The younger is 37. One bosses a film studio in Zürich, the other flies very large aeroplanes. We are enormously proud of them both, and we'd certainly be happy seeing more of them, but they ultimately have to spread their wings and fly (one of them literally!) and live their own lives.
Sorry, I meant from the context of everyone having to change how they live their lives - hosts and guests. But as for someone threatening to smack my child - the shit would have hit the fan too..! (Our daughter did ask my wife the other day why her hairbrush was broken and I had to remind everyone that it was when she threw it at me - and missed thankfully! - when cooped up at her parents..!)
She’s a fiery character now. So I can only assume those years will be tough.
My sister was shocking from 15-18 (would disappear for days to goodness knows where with goodness knows who) then it all stopped overnight. Was hellish for my parents (I was no shrinking violet but did know where to draw the line).
Andy Stephenson
pfm Member
It was indeed. However sometimes threads can go in unexpected directions.
The consensus was that headphones are the answer until the listening room can be reclaimed.
Possibly not ideal but better than no tunes at all.
Andy
Sean K
pfm Member
My 24 year old son moved back in just before Xmas, for a 'brief stay' before he finds another flat, after his last fixed term tenancy ended. I had him back last year, during our most recent lockdown (in NZ). This stay seems to be becoming an open ended one.
He drives me mad at times with the two old bangers parked outside, not tidying up after himself, the crime of emptying the fridge of milk and more egregiously, going through all my home cooked curries in the freezer when I'm away, because he can't be arsed to cook for himself. They grow up so fast; he and his sister have both flown the nest, so I try not to sweat about the minor niggles. I love having him here and I know I'll feels so sad when he moves out again.
He drives me mad at times with the two old bangers parked outside, not tidying up after himself, the crime of emptying the fridge of milk and more egregiously, going through all my home cooked curries in the freezer when I'm away, because he can't be arsed to cook for himself. They grow up so fast; he and his sister have both flown the nest, so I try not to sweat about the minor niggles. I love having him here and I know I'll feels so sad when he moves out again.
Big Tabs
looking backwards, going forwards
The Kids hopefully would rather live in a tent than move back home, but We could take one in for a limited period.
Fortunately, it wouldn’t have any effect on my HiFi room.
We do have the pleasant situation of having The Daughter living next door currently - although we hardly see her.
Eldest Child lives a mile away, and we see the Granddaughter and Grandson frequently.
Youngest Son lives on the Isle O Wight now, but pops up 2/3 times a year.
I would rather have a Daughter move back home than a Son.
Headphones are one answer. I would be negotiating to get the HiFi seen as a family utility to get access and usage to it. Noting that the Hifi would still be mainly used by you…
Fortunately, it wouldn’t have any effect on my HiFi room.
We do have the pleasant situation of having The Daughter living next door currently - although we hardly see her.
Eldest Child lives a mile away, and we see the Granddaughter and Grandson frequently.
Youngest Son lives on the Isle O Wight now, but pops up 2/3 times a year.
I would rather have a Daughter move back home than a Son.
Headphones are one answer. I would be negotiating to get the HiFi seen as a family utility to get access and usage to it. Noting that the Hifi would still be mainly used by you…
MikeMA
pfm Member
Garden room, big shed?
Taking turns at being the DJ could be a way to find some new music for both parties. I find it really hard to find anything new worth listening to.
We've ended up sharing a lot of very varied music. Daughter left with 100 of my backup cds eventually.
Snufkin
pfm Member
Probably depends on how out of order the aforementioned child was. Having been on the other side of this, and no, I didn’t hit any children, other people’s children who are not being reined in can be a real pain. I am reminded of a situation where a friends over exuberant three year old was throwing rocks and stones at our eighteen month toddler and I was chastised for telling their little monster off because they wouldn’t; their boundaries were very different from mine.
Olaup
pfm Member
Boxes are down from the loft, the strip down begins.
She will be here within 2 weeks, looking forward to the day, I think though it will be long term due the lack of properties that are not an estate agents money game, she will not get involved in auctions as that is what is going on here with properties.
She will be here within 2 weeks, looking forward to the day, I think though it will be long term due the lack of properties that are not an estate agents money game, she will not get involved in auctions as that is what is going on here with properties.
lawrence001
Basic Member
Do you mean auctions, which are rare as the hammer is considered exchange, or sealed bids/best and final offer which is the norm these days.
Olaup
pfm Member
Auction as in estate agents offering houses at a given price, said price is then offered in full to the seller, then the estate agents come back saying " you need to increase your offer ". No sealed bids offered sales are happening in our locality, it is estate agents taking the piss with mis-leading adverts.
LecsonQuad
pfm Member
'Auctions' involving Estate Agents are nothing more than a scam in my view.
Proper property auctions are anything but and can work very well although you have to have your money and loan in place and usually have to complete in 30 days. Problem is that very little property goes into legitimate auctions. I bought at auction once and have never regretted it but the process is certainly exciting. My supply of clean underwear came in useful from time to time as I had to prod some of the 'professionals' although the outcome was a success.
Proper property auctions are anything but and can work very well although you have to have your money and loan in place and usually have to complete in 30 days. Problem is that very little property goes into legitimate auctions. I bought at auction once and have never regretted it but the process is certainly exciting. My supply of clean underwear came in useful from time to time as I had to prod some of the 'professionals' although the outcome was a success.
lawrence001
Basic Member
I see what you mean, it's been the norm in London for most of the last 20 years that houses go for about 10% over asking price, I never thought of it as an auction, just that the advertised price is not an invitation to buy at the price but an indicative price that might actually be an under or an over estimate of the final selling price. I can imagine it's very dissappointing for someone looking for their first home that sees it advertised for a price and doesn't realise that offering the price doesn't mean it will actually be accepted.