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Thanatophobia - Fear of death or dying

Big Tabs said:
I worked in a variety of hospices and palliative care for a couple of decades.

Working in that type of environment, it is healthy to consider one’s own mortality.

Difficult to help someone with their death if some self exploration hasn’t occurred.

It is grossly normal to think about death and/or dying. It is not normal to think about the subject soo much that it has an effect on daily life.
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paulfromcamden said:
I think about this a fair bit. Mostly it scares me how quickly the years zip by now. My OH thinks I can be a bit morbid. I see it as a reminder not to waste time or get bogged down in stuff that isn't important. It sounds trite I know but Carpe Diem and all that. Depending on my mental state it doesn't always work. We lost two friends our age this year to terminal disease (I'm not quite fifty) which I took as a reminder to appreciate the time you have.
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I am sorry to hear of your loss.

It is one of the top tier cliches, but “appreciate the time you have,” could not be truer.

i am not surprised that you have thoughts about death given your situation witnessing the illnesses of your friends, and the outcome. Be a bit odd if you didn’t.
 
SteveS1 said:
My sympathies, this time of year can be difficult at the best of times. Deaths or illnesses around you certainly raise your awareness of your own mortality and the speed of time slipping by.

We lost my mother-in-law (69), eldest brother-in-law (49), my brother (46), remaining brother-in-law (55) and my dad (76) within a decade (1999-2009). The latter after a long and disturbing battle with Parkinson's and dementia. In addition to the rather more natural, but no lesser loss of my father-in-law, my mum has also developed dementia which as any of you in similar positions will know is a considerable challenge. Then as you say, there are peer group friends or heroes regulary dropping off the perch.

I didn't much worry about my own health, having always taken care and enjoyed sport and fitness training. Then out of the blue I had some strange feelings of imminent catastrophe and dread. This and a very painful bile duct inflammation knocked all confidence in my health and I went on to have several panic attacks during the following months. These are not to be underestimated, I was terrified, heart rate through the roof and it all happens so suddenly with no readily identifiable cause. These episodes and worrying about them also play havoc with your sleep, which of course makes matters worse.

The fact that I went through a couple (one got me down to A&E convinced I was having a heart attack) without incident made me look for other answers. I went on a sports and physio holiday and took advantage of their access to local medical and wellbeing services. I had counselling and was really glad I did. I came home with much better understanding of what had been happening and feeling more 'normal' than I had for several years. The stand out for me was after the first (quite difficult and very emotional) counselling session. The evening meal on the beach after that was the most relaxed and genuinely chilled I had felt for a couple of years. I was not feeling 'wired' or tense and nervous and that just felt so good.

Lockdowns and all that's going on is having a significant additional effect on people. It has been relentessly grim. I hope you can find something or someone who can help.
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I can't say my experience has been as bad but during lockdown, I had prostate cancer 'scare' and underwent a battery of tests (shudders remembering the cystoscopy); cancer was never stated, but the speed and priority I got suggested that was driving the investigations. I lost a lot of family too in the late 90s, all from cancer. My maternal grandad died in unimaginable agony riddled with cancer - I am sure that weights heavily on mum's mind.

Dad's demise was the worst kind - drawn out and no chance to speak with him during most of the time. A lot of online "lessons I learned from the dying" videos talk about how the end for many is peaceful with the dying finding some sort of closure. Lucky them - my dad spent the all too brief time between coming out of his coma and dying struggling to breathe and eat, crying, depressed and frightened. I think my fear is well-founded. I think that I may have internalized a lot of grief, I certainly seemed to have got over it all a bit too quick.
 
I'm nearly 58. Both my parents are still alive and pretty healthy (my dad is 87, my mum is 84 today), but I saw them both over Xmas and they are both now very clearly very old - it was a bit of a shock realisation given that until the last couple of years they've both seemed younger than they are. That's no longer the case. So now I feel pretty sad about how many times I may get to spend time with them again (they both live a long way from me, in two very different parts of the country, so seeing them is hard). My daughter is 9 now and especially adores my dad, who is a perfect grandfather to her - daft and anarchic.

My wife's parents are younger, still in their early 70s, but both seem incredibly old and without energy, and are succumbing to endless health problems - heart, hips, diabetes, you name it. My wife finds that especially hard to come to terms with.

I've lost a lot of friends to various illneses over the last 3 or 4 years, and there's been lots of prostate cancer among my circle of male friends of my age. It's hard not to worry at every ache and pain, and feel outrage at the state of the NHS and fear at having to rely on it if I got ill.

My relationship with my daughter is so all-consuming that I am terrified of getting ill and not being able to be an active and full part of her life. I try not to imagine actually dying and having to leave her.

So yes, I completely get all the anxiety being expressed in this thread. There's nothing harder about life than the (hopefully long) process of aging. It doesn't get easier, I suspect.
 
My dad died at Easter 2022 - a brain tumour, aided and abetted by Sepsis, took him quite quickly. Until September 2021 he'd been hale and hearty, still active with gardening, DIY and stuff at the age of 86, and still driving (which he enjoyed, and was still safe). He got the diagnosis in early 2022 and the prognosis was 3-6 months. I was with him when he got the news, which he took quite well (better than my mum did). He's always been very interested in religion and theology, and always had a faith of sorts, though his interest was more intellectual than emotional. But it definitely sustained him following his diagnosis. He actually said that at least it would be interesting to finally find out what happens next. I also think that modern medicine means it's much less likely that the process will involve significant pain and suffering such as your grandad (and my grandma) went through back in the day.

I think it's normal to contemplate our mortality from time to time, and being worried and afraid of it happening, and how it'll happen, is probably a sign that you're pretty normal about that, too. And sometimes, if we get unduly fixated on something, that's probably more often due to other external factors - like the way minor problems get blown out of proportion in the wee small hours of wakefulness perhaps. But if it is becoming difficult, then I hope you get some help with it. Best wishes.
 
sideshowbob said:
It's hard not to worry at every ache and pain, and feel outrage at the state of the NHS and fear at having to rely on it if I got ill.
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I wonder if that's part of the problem - I'll try to keep the politics out of this. My family have been very lucky with healthcare, getting it when we needed it, but seeing the news I worry if the trajectory means that by the time I'm going to need it (hopefully 20+ years away - I'm 53) I'm going to be poorly served.
 
I really don’t understand the fear of death. I don’t have it at all, I think. I don’t fancy pain or indignity, but I guess knowing that it will soon end will make it more tolerable. Fear of life seems to me to be more understandable than fear of death. I guess there’s a gene for fear of death, like the god gene or something.
 
eguth said:
Every living thing will die.
It is only a question of when... and how.
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What about the jellyfish Turritopsis dohrnii?

Turritopsis_dohrnii.jpg
 
mandryka said:
What about the jellyfish Turritopsis dohrnii?

Controversial.
Not universally agreed that it is immortal. For the sake of the argument, even if immortality is proven this requires one word (not "immortal") to be added to my post. It is the word "except".

Turritopsis_dohrnii.jpg
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@Seeker_UK,

For me the worry is more family members around me, both old and young, who have health issues, but I understand a fear of dying. For what it's worth, surround yourself with the people and activities you enjoy. Spend time with your spouse, spin a record or two, and watch a Trek episode even if you've seen it a hundred times before.

Joe
 
Joe P said:
For what it's worth, surround yourself with the people and activities you enjoy. Spend time with your spouse, spin a record or two, and watch a Trek episode even if you've seen it a hundred times before.

Joe
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Agreed - I have some work to do this year.
 
Seeker,

As it happens I do know something about the Trek, so if you need a recommendation...

Joe
 
Joe P said:
Jazzer,



Funny you mention that. I watched that exact episode over the Christmas break. On me birthday, in fact.

Joe
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That’s great!

It’s one of my favourite episodes of TNG and worthy of a birthday re-watch if only because the themes of this episode resonate further as we grow older.
 
Jezzer,

It's one of the best episodes for sure. Not every episode needs an epic battle and explosions.

The Inner Light is one of the best from ST: The Next Generation and City on the Edge of Forever is THE best from the original series. Neither has explosions, though City on the Edge of Forever has vacuum tubes and Mr. Spock wearing a toque.

iVvRCFJpUZ9EyaB-tA5qGVy0-yCoZWlTR4K3Gzo4pLQ.jpg


city%2Bon%2Bthe%2Bedge%2B1.jpg


Joe
 
Joe P said:

City on the Edge of Forever is THE best from the original series. Neither has explosions, though City on the Edge of Forever has vacuum tubes and Mr. Spock wearing a toque.

iVvRCFJpUZ9EyaB-tA5qGVy0-yCoZWlTR4K3Gzo4pLQ.jpg


city%2Bon%2Bthe%2Bedge%2B1.jpg


Joe
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and a delectable Joan Collins in her prime!


… I’m going to have to watch that episode again. It’s been a very long time but I do remember it leaving a lasting impression..!
 
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