Bob McC
Living the life of Riley
The last death I witnessed was of an aunt who had strong religious faith throughout her life.
Her faith didn’t seem to alleviate her agonies whilst conscious at the end though.
Death and more death!
- Thread starter wow&flutter
- Start date
Her faith didn’t seem to alleviate her agonies whilst conscious at the end though.
lagavullin10y
pfm Member
My mum recently died. We had a good relationship. The odd thing is that I feel nothing. I’m helping other people with their sorrow and see non family members in tears and I’m the one comforting them.
Any others have this?
Any others have this?
martin clark
pinko bodger
@lagavullin10y
Yes; I have experienced that.
My dad's brother died, he was only 22 yrs older than me, we were close,and it was a messy thing to reconcile/ go sort out his matters remotely offshore etc etc at the time. Which I did, readily. And I was strong throughout, I could just do that for ..someone I loved, the family; those who would, who could not travel so far.. The memorial service arranged by his friends, there (amazing!), the lot. Even at the UK funeral - felt v content, giving comfort to those friends who travelled so far. Quantum in me fuit.
...and, then, about 7-8yrs later, over large dinner I'd prepared, at my house with extended family - some of the grief, and a lot of the good stuff.. just bubbled-up & -out. Found myself in tears of ..grief/ no perhaps , rejoicing: recollecting, recounting good stories, in a new light.
tl;dr:
It's different for all of us. Utmost sympathy for your loss; and - don't be surprised if the time you register it, takes you by surprise. ATvB.
Yes; I have experienced that.
My dad's brother died, he was only 22 yrs older than me, we were close,and it was a messy thing to reconcile/ go sort out his matters remotely offshore etc etc at the time. Which I did, readily. And I was strong throughout, I could just do that for ..someone I loved, the family; those who would, who could not travel so far.. The memorial service arranged by his friends, there (amazing!), the lot. Even at the UK funeral - felt v content, giving comfort to those friends who travelled so far. Quantum in me fuit.
...and, then, about 7-8yrs later, over large dinner I'd prepared, at my house with extended family - some of the grief, and a lot of the good stuff.. just bubbled-up & -out. Found myself in tears of ..grief/ no perhaps , rejoicing: recollecting, recounting good stories, in a new light.
tl;dr:
It's different for all of us. Utmost sympathy for your loss; and - don't be surprised if the time you register it, takes you by surprise. ATvB.
lagavullin10y
pfm Member
Thank you Martin. I’ve even composed a piece of music for the funeral but not a single tear has left my body until now. I do work in a role where I need to deal with stressful stuff, which I really like - the more pressure, the better my performance. Somehow when duty calls, I’m there. Later on my bit happens, but since this is about my mum, I brace for impact. I don’t know what will happen. Anyhow, my colleagues and family know so they are supposed to understand what may happen.
Bob McC
Living the life of Riley
Yep.
lost both parents within six months over fifteen years ago.
I felt much more upset when my best friend died.
Still waiting for any reaction.
Nic Robinson
Moderator
Grief or lack of it comes in many forms istm. I do wish people would not assume everyone will grieve sooner or later. Grief (as in debilitating sadness) is not the only way people can process loss. I seem to do thoughtful reflection (albeit I haven't yet lost a parent).
Nic Robinson
Moderator
This thread so needs a care/heart button!
Cav
pfm Member
I was not going to get involved but you are quite correct. There is a presumption that everyone must grieve, and if they do, it must conform to some formula.
My mother died in her sleep in1984. This did not trouble me because, for several years, she had been suffering from dementia and her behaviour had become increasingly erratic.
My father suffered a massive stroke in 1993. When I saw him in his hospital bed, I had to leave the ward because I was so upset that such a man was so reduced by it. He died 2 weeks later which caused me no distress whatever because I knew he would not have wished to live with such debilitating trauma.
Spraggons Den
pfm Member
When you're a kid or in your 20s death is such an alien remote thing but slowly overtime it comes closer more familiar. We lost my mam in 2017 followed by my Dad in 19 and then we lost my wife's parents within six months of one another a couple of years ago plus I have had a couple of scrapes with cancer recently.
There was a lot of sadness obviously but going through it undoubtedly changed us in terms of how we look at death and it has somehow made us feel proper grown up. Maybe it is just the case that we are now the family elders or it could just be that we survived the ordeal of organising the funerals, dealing with probate etc whilst managing not to fall out with anyone.
There was a lot of sadness obviously but going through it undoubtedly changed us in terms of how we look at death and it has somehow made us feel proper grown up. Maybe it is just the case that we are now the family elders or it could just be that we survived the ordeal of organising the funerals, dealing with probate etc whilst managing not to fall out with anyone.
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paulfromcamden
Baffled
That's been my experience. I have three siblings and my Mum's death seems to have affected us all a bit differently. No right or wrong with this stuff. No reflection on how much you cared for them.
For myself I've got used to the tears catching me off guard but it's more a quiet sadness and a feeling of emptiness than a wailing and gnashing of teeth. The strangest sensation is when I reach to pick up my phone to txt her with a bit of news I know she'll enjoy - then immediately remember she's not around anymore.
I guess my braincells will get used to it eventually. But losing someone you love really sucks.
hifinutt
hifinutt
thanks nic , he was a humanist and i dont know a lot about it but i think they believe this . i never actually chatted to him about what he thought happens after death
As humanists, we don't live our lives assuming an afterlife exists. We try our best to live happily and ethically because this is the one life we have, and we shouldn't waste it. That being said, many of us grew up being taught that when we die, our souls carry on in some form.
What do humanists think about death? | Young Humanists
Join Young Humanists for an informal discussion about death. For the vast majority of human history, it has been assumed that there is an afterlife, and many people – religious or no – believe this today. This belief can heavily influence feelings about death, morality, and how a person chooses to
humanists.uk
gintonic
50 shades of grey pussy cats
oh dear - just received news from my parents that my uncle - my Dads only brother passed this morning aged 84. Not entirely unexpected as he has been ill for a while. At least by good fortune when i was visiting my parents on Saturday, got to speak with him one last time on the phone. Hadn't seen him in years as he lived in Cyprus - RIP Uncle Ian.
herb
brain's right hemisphere
Such a simple philosophy., I was born in 1949 like you. Can I ask what were you doing in the 1960s and 1970s? I guess it was nothing like what I was doing - free form.. Peace man!
I served an apprenticeship as a Toolmaker 1965-70 and ended up in the cost estimating dept. I wasn't a hippy and I spent 1971-79 working as a cost engineer for the MOD. I spent four years costing the Nimrod aircraft in Manchester and 4 years on Scorpion Tanks in Coventry.
herb
brain's right hemisphere
Thanks Mick. Tool maker in Swindon?, I went to Uni in Cardiff, dropped out, worked in a bank then in MOD Met Office. Very much a hippy but tolerated by the RAF. Despite that things went well and I worry about the next two generations not able to follow in my footsteps.
A very thought provoking thread. We have lost quite a few members of our family and friends over the years including our eldest son taking his life 6 years ago, but last year we lost a very good friend in January and my wife’s niece (they grew up together as sisters!) in November, and at her funeral a very good friend said something so true - “A sign of getting older is that funerals get closer!”.
