Anyone disowned a parent?
- Thread starter matt j
- Start date
I disowned my brother and his bastard family once I learned that he was a brekshit supporter and putative Brekshit party candidate (he lost heavily, thank goodness). I had never really got on with him since he made the decision to enter the armed forces 35 years ago and cheered when he had to resign his commission in disgrace.
cutting42
Arrived at B4 Hacker Ergo
I find this thread really sad and a bit upsetting to be honest. I simply had no idea that so many of you have/had such dysfunctional relationships with your closest relatives. To see 4 pages of largely horrible stories in such a short time is shocking.
My upbringing seem idyllic in comparison, my parents loved each other and more importantly liked and respected each other. My dad worked away a fair bit and could be a bit grumpy and unwilling to play with us at the weekends when all he wanted to to was recharge. I don't think either of them particularly enjoyed having young children and we saw that with their grandchildren as well. Once they/we got to 10 or 11 or so when they could talk and discuss, things got a lot more fun but even in the early years, although short on cash and fancy cars or holidays life seemed really good. I am still very close to my father, saw him for the first time since Covid last Friday and it was great. Mum passed at the end of 2018 and he has accepted it but still talks about her a lot.
My brother and I have a good relationship as well but fairly separate lives as he is a musician and lives in Derby with his own (very lovely) family. He did surprise me for my birthday last week but turning up on the doorstep and we have tea and cake in the garden.
My wife's family is more complex and her aunts and uncle are like being at a military academy with everyone falling out all the time. I don't really engage with them directly much and certainly don't get in the middle of their squabbles. They all seem to date from how they cared for their dying mother many years ago, who spent more time with her etc etc. "Competitive Caring", I have termed it. Interestingly, their children in turn are all pretty nice and we have spent some good times with my wife's cousins especially in Edinburgh recently.
That said I certainly agree with removing yourselves from toxic situations and relationships. If you cannot get on then don't try ad infinitum, cut the ties and be happy in your own life.
My upbringing seem idyllic in comparison, my parents loved each other and more importantly liked and respected each other. My dad worked away a fair bit and could be a bit grumpy and unwilling to play with us at the weekends when all he wanted to to was recharge. I don't think either of them particularly enjoyed having young children and we saw that with their grandchildren as well. Once they/we got to 10 or 11 or so when they could talk and discuss, things got a lot more fun but even in the early years, although short on cash and fancy cars or holidays life seemed really good. I am still very close to my father, saw him for the first time since Covid last Friday and it was great. Mum passed at the end of 2018 and he has accepted it but still talks about her a lot.
My brother and I have a good relationship as well but fairly separate lives as he is a musician and lives in Derby with his own (very lovely) family. He did surprise me for my birthday last week but turning up on the doorstep and we have tea and cake in the garden.
My wife's family is more complex and her aunts and uncle are like being at a military academy with everyone falling out all the time. I don't really engage with them directly much and certainly don't get in the middle of their squabbles. They all seem to date from how they cared for their dying mother many years ago, who spent more time with her etc etc. "Competitive Caring", I have termed it. Interestingly, their children in turn are all pretty nice and we have spent some good times with my wife's cousins especially in Edinburgh recently.
That said I certainly agree with removing yourselves from toxic situations and relationships. If you cannot get on then don't try ad infinitum, cut the ties and be happy in your own life.
deebster
Half Man Half Biscuit
This one twists my melon - IF reincarnation is a fact and we choose when, where and with whom to reincarnate so as to provide the learning experiences required for this lifetime, then it follows that we choose our parents.
I'm not saying it is this way but it makes me think. And wonder what a devious bastid my soul may be.
I'm not saying it is this way but it makes me think. And wonder what a devious bastid my soul may be.
Jason P
pfm Member
Interesting and poignant thread. Both my parents are dead now - Dad went when I was 23, Mum when I was 42. I never had a beef with either of them of any import, I did have a period of not talking to my Mum for a bit in an attempt to get her to call me once in a while. I caved first. My ex, on the other hand, had a far more turbulent time with her parents. She ended up breaking contact with her Mum, but reconciling with her Dad (they'd divorced decades before) and now has an excellent relationship with him. I found the time she wasn't in contact with him difficult (he'd been like a dad to me) but understood her need to break away from his sphere of influence, which could be manipulative and divisive at times. Age has mellowed him considerably and given him a greater understanding of my ex's (and her siblings) experiences, but if he hadn't had a softening of heart and striven for some understanding and actually owning his part in events, I doubt she'd have the relationship she now does.
There's no guarantee that parents will act wisely, or even lovingly, toward their offspring. Same for siblings, where rivalry and jealousy, real or imagined, can dominate. All too often I've seen acting out that has far more to do with projection and controlling behaviour than acceptance and love. In those cases it can be impossible to square the circle of familial loyalty and self-preservation. Often, though it hurts, separation for self- preservation is the only way forward. Some kind of family therapy can help, and I personally have experienced individual therapy that helped me massively in understanding the dynamics of my extended family - but how may go for that, or can afford to?
There's no guarantee that parents will act wisely, or even lovingly, toward their offspring. Same for siblings, where rivalry and jealousy, real or imagined, can dominate. All too often I've seen acting out that has far more to do with projection and controlling behaviour than acceptance and love. In those cases it can be impossible to square the circle of familial loyalty and self-preservation. Often, though it hurts, separation for self- preservation is the only way forward. Some kind of family therapy can help, and I personally have experienced individual therapy that helped me massively in understanding the dynamics of my extended family - but how may go for that, or can afford to?
Big Tabs
looking backwards, going forwards
Thought provoking thread.
My brother disowned our father over an argument. Something petty, but his wife took affront at what was said. This was about 25 years ago. I haven't seen my brother since. His wife is poison. My parents went to court to try and access the grandchildren (brothers kids) for years, never worked out well and they spent all they had. If I saw him, we would probably have a massive argument over the hurt he and his wife have caused my parents. My parents are still upset about it, and we cannot have a conversation about it as it is too raw.
My brother disowned our father over an argument. Something petty, but his wife took affront at what was said. This was about 25 years ago. I haven't seen my brother since. His wife is poison. My parents went to court to try and access the grandchildren (brothers kids) for years, never worked out well and they spent all they had. If I saw him, we would probably have a massive argument over the hurt he and his wife have caused my parents. My parents are still upset about it, and we cannot have a conversation about it as it is too raw.
crimsondonkey
pfm Member
I don't see any of these stories as sad or shocking, just perfectly natural variation. Do those who enjoy better relationships with their family think that it is not equally possible for others not to have such? Also some people's family members make it impossible to foster such a warm relationship, even if one was wanted, so this isn't always about free individual choices.
My wife finally had enough of a toxic relationship with her father and step mother and had little alternative to walk away for her own sanity. I no longer have anything to do with my mother because she is an unfeeling selfish cow and I just don't want to put up with her any longer. We are both happier for it.
If our parents were different or we were different then it might not be the case. But it is, so...
My wife finally had enough of a toxic relationship with her father and step mother and had little alternative to walk away for her own sanity. I no longer have anything to do with my mother because she is an unfeeling selfish cow and I just don't want to put up with her any longer. We are both happier for it.
If our parents were different or we were different then it might not be the case. But it is, so...
That is really sad
awkwardbydesign
Officially Awesome
Mighty are the righteous.
andy831
pfm Member
Lovely Man your step dad although He was very old when I met Him
Don't forget you have to apply for your OAP lol!! It does not come automatically
Cheese
Bitter lover
This.
Chops54
pfm Member
He changed a lot after my mum died Andy. He got on really well with Jean and I do think he tried to mend some bridges before he died. He was in his eighties when you met him and he made 93!
State pension all sorted Andy. I’ve just drawn my first lump
I’ll message you later mate.
Darren L
Egalitarian
Perhaps not shocking though I'm surprised that to read of family members falling out over politics.
Arkless Electronics
Trade: Amp design and repairs.
This thread has at least given me some solace that to be not speaking to both my mother and brother is not as extreme or unusual as I feared...
About a month ago, and after not speaking for about 10 years, I went to considerable trouble to see if things could be patched up with my now elderly mother, which caused me quite some emotional turmoil, but it was not to be... the years certainly haven't mellowed her. If you've seen the latest "Killing Eve" series then think of the female MI6 boss and you've got it....
About a month ago, and after not speaking for about 10 years, I went to considerable trouble to see if things could be patched up with my now elderly mother, which caused me quite some emotional turmoil, but it was not to be... the years certainly haven't mellowed her. If you've seen the latest "Killing Eve" series then think of the female MI6 boss and you've got it....
TheDecameron
Unicorns fart glitter.
They **** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were ****ed up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were ****ed up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
mykel
Perpetual Hack.
If I ever met my biological father, I would be led away in handcuffs at the least.
I am a child of rape.
I was adopted by my grandparents.
Growing up and as a young adult I had no idea, but always wondered about the little looks I would get at family gatherings. I had a very good relationship with my mom/grandma and dad/grandpa. I was always close to my sister/mother, but my brother/uncle was always a little distant and it would bother me. I was never able to get an answer a to why Barry was cold. My mom/grandma went first, then my dad/grandpa a few years later; this is when it all came out. My sister/mom passed a couple of years ago now, and it was the last time I saw or spoke with my brother/uncle. I have reached out on two occasions and have met with total radio silence. I have thought about getting ahold of my niece/cousin who I grew up with and we always got on well, but am a bit scared of causing discord.
It hurts, but what are you gonna do...
I am a child of rape.
I was adopted by my grandparents.
Growing up and as a young adult I had no idea, but always wondered about the little looks I would get at family gatherings. I had a very good relationship with my mom/grandma and dad/grandpa. I was always close to my sister/mother, but my brother/uncle was always a little distant and it would bother me. I was never able to get an answer a to why Barry was cold. My mom/grandma went first, then my dad/grandpa a few years later; this is when it all came out. My sister/mom passed a couple of years ago now, and it was the last time I saw or spoke with my brother/uncle. I have reached out on two occasions and have met with total radio silence. I have thought about getting ahold of my niece/cousin who I grew up with and we always got on well, but am a bit scared of causing discord.
It hurts, but what are you gonna do...
cutting42
Arrived at B4 Hacker Ergo
No of course not, all part of life's rich tapestry. My surprise was how many, not the fact it happens. None of my friends really have these kind of inter familial falling's out, a few spats of course but I have no direct experience of the more serious disowning we are seeing here. It is entirely possible they have hidden this from me as it is not exactly something to publicise but you don't know what you don't know.