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Anyone been a best man?

R

roman

pfm Member
I’ve had the dubious honour bestowed upon me, not until late summer but I’d like to begin preparations now. To be perfectly honest I’m dreading it. I’ve always struggled with addressing large groups, my natural self scarpers and I’m left twitching, unable to speak clearly or think lucidly. Obviously there is a bigger picture to deal with here, namely me, but for now I just need to get through this thing. I’ve come to accept its going to happen. They won’t split up (in time to save me anyway), nor will any other convenient intervention come to the rescue

I should say at this point that I’ve done it before for another friend, many years ago. On that occasion I had the good fortune to share the duties with another friend who was happy to deliver the speech. I just had to introduce him. Even that was painful and I managed to say ‘er’ about a dozen times. I really thought that would be it and thought I’d remained sufficiently distant from all others to avoid ever getting asked again, but here we are once more.

I came to know the friend through my partner about fourteen years ago, a period of relative calm. In any case I didn’t witness his growing pains and lack that sort of material. He’s a wonderful guy and was concerned when he saw my dread. I explained my problem but said of course I’d do my best. He and his partner are not grand in any way and just want everyone to have a nice time (there will be about 100 coming) they certainly don’t expect, and nor would they welcome, anything crass or crude nor some sort of slick stand up routine, but I know there is a level of expectation everyone brings to these events and so I want to live up to that.

I’m also a bit uncertain about the form the speech takes, who one mentions, thanks, compliments etc.

Anyway you get the idea. Anyone with an experience they’d care to share or tips and instructions I’d really appreciate it.

Roman
 
Start with a shorter version of exactly what you've just said.

Get in touch with the people who did witness his "growing pains" and get all the good stories and edit out the really bad stuff. Then you can distance yourself a little by "some stories that I cannot personally attest to, but it would seem that..."

You are allowed some latitude. I have recounted the groom being rescued from a brothel by his brother whilst his tee total christian parents (my cub scout Arkala and District Scout Commissioner) listened to this tale. Still get tea and cakes.
 
Get some cue cards and write down what you want to say well in advance so you can add/change things with plenty of time. Make sure you write it (don't get someone else to write it for you) because it needs to be written and said as you yourself speak and phrase things. It won't come across natural and will add to your anxiety if your trying to read someone else's words. By all means get stories from others but write them down yourself. Use a reasonably large typeface/writing so you can read them easily on the day. Try and keep each phrase/paragraph/topic on a single card and have multiple cards. Nothing worse than watching a speech (best man, father of the bride or groom) struggling and squinting to read the writing and then pausing mid sentence as they turn the card over. I've seen this and despite the nervousness and anxiety exhibited by the speaker, it was really funny but for the wrong reasons.

A little innuendo can go a long way over the kids heads but play safe as it's a family occasion so you shouldn't go too far on the adult themed jokes/stories. That being said, one of the funniest and cringing best mans speeches I've heard of was the best man saying how the bride 'has had a few relationships over the years. She's settled down now so if anyone has a key to her house, could they please return them'.............and about a hundred keys flew out from the seated guests onto the dance floor. All pre-arranged obviously but funny.
 
My one experience of this was many years ago, in Northern Ireland, and I knew three people there - the groom, his bride (met twice) and my wife (then girlfriend).

The "audience" were great, and I kept it clean (very churchy affair).

The key thing is that I realised afterwards that all the pressure was in my head. The audience are on your side, and becisse of that it *will* be fine.

I suggest keeping it clean. That way you won't add to the nerves wondering how it will be received.
 
As Best Man you're the one person who really can have more fun than anyone else IME. You're not the one getting married, you're not immediate/preoccupied family and in most respects they are all looking to you to be level-headed (or, at least, ahem, distinct) when all around fear losing theirs... lots to play with.

My last time I got called-on by groom and his family to extemporise the only speech - when, expressly, none were planned beforehand - in front of the family& friends, and about 4000 curious foreign tourists in the centre of Covent Garden! Immense fun, actually; it is an occasion you will rise to, regardless of the circs. It's easy after the first glass [but stop there on the day, at least until the later un-wind]

Seriously: just be your normal level-headed self throughout; you win no prizes anyway, and whatever you'd normally bring in close company is exactly why the Groom asked you in the first place. So in some respects it's actually your day too - so set out to enjoy it all. It is an honour, but also a pleasure.
 
Keep it short, keep it clean and don't gabble. Everyone is trying to have a good time and that includes you. Don't spoil it for all the other quests.
 
martin clark said:
As Best Man you're the one person who really can have more fun than anyone else IME.

Seriously: just be your normal level-headed self throughout; you win no prizes anyway, and whatever you'd normally bring in close company is exactly why the Groom asked you in the first place. So in some respects it's actually your day too - so set out to enjoy it all. It is an honour, but also a pleasure.
Click to expand...

This!

As a youngster, well even to this day actually, I'm quite an anxious person. But I'm also a sound tech, DJ and compare... When I first started out as a DJ, I was terrified of the mic and terrified of addressing large groups. The trick is not to look at it as addressing large groups, instead address individuals, have some banter with the bride, groom and the closest friends and family... Recall some funny or treasured memories and talk to the relevant people about it, tell the bride and groom what they mean to you, speak from the heart... Forget that there are a hundred or is others watching and listening, be yourself as you would if you were with them on a night out. And if you feel really nervous, ask people to bear with you, they will understand... They would probably be equally nervous in your situation. When doing all the thank-yous, look the individuals you are talking about in the eye. You'll be fine.
 
It turns out there's formulas for wedding speeches which, for the best man, usually involves:

briefly praising the bridesmaids>
praising and teasing the groom with an anecdote or two>
praising the bride>
proposing a toast

I bought a book about it when I was best man a few years ago and apparently, I delivered an excellent speech. I think it was called The Confetti Guide To Wedding Speeches and I recommend buying it or similar. I was daunted by the prospect, but when I bought the book, I planned and prepared and if you do that, you'll probably surprise yourself how well your speech will go down!
 
Whilst I haven't been a best man yet - I can fully appreciate what is ultimately anxiety speaking in front of a large number of people.

I realised I had my own problems doing so during attempts undertaking simple presentations at University. Personally, I feel it is very dependant on the individual with regards to a remedy. Some people simply need a few beers, some a beta blocker, or for more "difficult" cases, a benzodiazepine of some description such as diazepam.

I would speak with you GP about it. Safe to say, rehearsing your speech cannot be done enough, alone at first then perhaps in front of people you know to gain confidence and ultimately realise it's mind over matter.

If it was myself, given I used to choke at presentations during University (I couldn't do them, end of). I'd sink a few beers and a benzo which puts me in the zone. BUT you really need to know your body should you go this route. Again, I would only do so by consulting your GP. You won't be the first person to put the question to him.

On a side note, I needed beta blockers to pass my driving test. For whatever reason I was a nervous wreck and failed every time. Until I sought advice from my GP - the beta blockers worked beyond belief. My grandad also needed them FWIW.

ATB.
 
You see, there was this Englishman, Frenchman and an Irish geezer. In a train. With a sheep.

I have no unmarried male friends. This is not a coincidence.

Paul
 
I used quite a bit if coke, which was very helpful. It has the advantage of allowing you to drink a lot and still perform well, (in your head anyhow) Coke that's the answer, top kit, can't go wrong. A few jars then two lines followed by a pint (5%+) then a last snifter and up you go- knock um dead!

Personally I prefer speaking at funerals. I find I don't need anything much other than a pint or two. Funerals are my favourite.
I guess you get a bit of an adrenalin buzz because it's not you.
 
No, no, the sheep was in a field, with lots of other sheep. A flock. But one of the sheep was black. And the Welshman says 'my mother in law was black'.

Paul
 
I have done this and my advice is be your own character if you are not a comedian don't try to be, by all means tell a joke if it is simple and as mentioned you can use innuendo. The old jokes are the best, returning the keys, giving a gift to prevent the patter of tiny feet and giving a mousetrap etc, corny but everyone will laugh. They are on your side.

Rehearse if you can to friends and family. Slow down your pace of speaking, clearly enunciate and use pauses and move your gaze around the room, pick a few spots - people ideally but can be pillars or flower arrangements.

Good luck, it can be fun!
 
My wife's uncle always takes a date, in your case it would be the date of birth of the groom, and starts by recounting all the important or bizarre events on that date. For instance, "In 1959, when Fred was uttering his first ear-splitting screams of rage at having been born, Citroen presented the legendary DS model. It was also the year in which Fidel Castro took over Cuba, in which Coronation Street began its second season," etc. etc. and go on for a while. Then you can swing back to "But few people would have imagined then that the most momentous event of the year had taken place at -------Hospital in Delivery Room 3. An event after whcih the world would never be the same again, etc."

Just an idea to get you going. You could take a Xanax and a glass of Champagne, too, but careful not to go straight from shy stuttering to drunken sot.
 
roman said:
I’ve had the dubious honour bestowed upon me, not until late summer but I’d like to begin preparations now. To be perfectly honest I’m dreading it. I’ve always struggled with addressing large groups, my natural self scarpers and I’m left twitching, unable to speak clearly or think lucidly. Obviously there is a bigger picture to deal with here, namely me, but for now I just need to get through this thing. I’ve come to accept its going to happen. They won’t split up (in time to save me anyway), nor will any other convenient intervention come to the rescue

I should say at this point that I’ve done it before for another friend, many years ago. On that occasion I had the good fortune to share the duties with another friend who was happy to deliver the speech. I just had to introduce him. Even that was painful and I managed to say ‘er’ about a dozen times. I really thought that would be it and thought I’d remained sufficiently distant from all others to avoid ever getting asked again, but here we are once more.

I came to know the friend through my partner about fourteen years ago, a period of relative calm. In any case I didn’t witness his growing pains and lack that sort of material. He’s a wonderful guy and was concerned when he saw my dread. I explained my problem but said of course I’d do my best. He and his partner are not grand in any way and just want everyone to have a nice time (there will be about 100 coming) they certainly don’t expect, and nor would they welcome, anything crass or crude nor some sort of slick stand up routine, but I know there is a level of expectation everyone brings to these events and so I want to live up to that.

I’m also a bit uncertain about the form the speech takes, who one mentions, thanks, compliments etc.

Anyway you get the idea. Anyone with an experience they’d care to share or tips and instructions I’d really appreciate it.

Roman
Click to expand...
I had the honour of being best man way back in 1989 to my best friend at the time.

The less said the better, just stay cool, look relaxed (I know) & speak slowly without fidgeting, it's all you can do, trying to make jokes, unless you are a professional stand up comedian, is pointless, it will bomb big time as everyone watching are already sitting there with clenched teeth in anticipation.

Keep it short, sincere & to the point & you can't go wrong.
 
PaulMB said:
My wife's uncle always takes a date, in your case it would be the date of birth of the groom, and starts by recounting all the important or bizarre events on that date. For instance, "In 1959, when Fred was uttering his first ear-splitting screams of rage at having been born, Citroen presented the legendary DS model. It was also the year in which Fidel Castro took over Cuba, in which Coronation Street began its second season," etc. etc. and go on for a while. Then you can swing back to "But few people would have imagined then that the most momentous event of the year had taken place at -------Hospital in Delivery Room 3. An event after whcih the world would never be the same again, etc."

Just an idea to get you going. You could take a Xanax and a glass of Champagne, too, but careful not to go straight from shy stuttering to drunken sot.
Click to expand...

You could do a Powerpoint presentation.
 
How about "Friends, Romans (substitute with Glaswegians or whatever), countrymen,
"I come to marry Arthur, not to praise him
and on from there paraphrasing The Immortal Bard (I call him that because I can't spell his name after Shakesp...).

No, perhaps not such a good idea.
 
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