OK, I'm venting here.
I think this dog is a punishment for something I did in a past life. Maybe I looted and pillaged a nunnery, or sold Sinclair hifi to unsuspecting innocents, something along those lines (selling the Sinclair kit would have probably been the worse sin, since there's the chance of multiple houses being burned to the ground as well). Whatever is was, for my sins, this dog has appeared in my life, wreaking untold chaos.
I can't turn around without this dog being THERE. For Pratchett Readers, I would describe this dog as being as persistent as one of the ravens from the Tower of Arts, he has a special look and body language that translates DIRECTLY as "watcha doin, mifter?"
I should have called him Procrastination, because he is a thief of time. And my socks. MY socks. and getting them back... oh sweet Jesus, I was not prepared for this. I walk him four times a day, each walk being 50 to 75 minutes. Admittedly it's very much on a walk/pause/repeat basis, but still - it happens. I'd like to be in a position to miss a walk every now and then - but - house training is an issue.
But not in the way YOU'RE automatically assuming, oh no. He doesn't soil in the house at all. But once, JUST ONCE, I would like this dog to pee or poo in the back garden. JUST ONCE! But nooo.... there's a park around the corner. He knows it, I know it, and damn, but he WON'T GO ANYWHERE ELSE!
As a consequence, I've lost 4 inches of waistline in 2 weeks, and have to buy another new belt. I was WARM, dammit! I was able to sit quite happily in my layer of natural insulation, and be quite toasty and content. that's gone right out the window.
Dinner times are particularly fun. He gets two meals a day of complete puppy food. It's not complete as far as he's concerned, oh no. At his previous place of residence, he learned about corned beef. Without corned beef, he won't even LOOK at his food. So I have to cut a slice of corned beef, microwave it until it goes mushy, and then mix it in with his puppy food. But it doesn't stop there. Oh no.
This dog... is a big bugger. At 10 months, he's 25% bigger than the accepted "maximum" height and weight for a fully mature German Shepherd, and still growing prodigiously. Approximately 120lb of concentrated anarchy. With a fast growing puppy, the problem of joint support and development has to be considered carefully. So as a supplement to help with joint health, he gets salmon oil added to his meals. He actually likes this stuff. It's great. His coat is beautifully glossy too. The problem is the OTHER supplement.
He also gets a chondroitin and glucosamine supplement. He doesn't like this. AT ALL. "Dissolve in your dog's drinking water, or mix into food" they said. HA! The hellhound gives a carefully considered look of disdain, and will NOT touch the tainted foodstuffs.
I have to make cheese sauce and mix it into that. THAT gets eaten at least.
This dog is also a natural born communist. He wants to share EVERYTHING. Including whatever we're eating. So I now cook dog-friendly meals, and make sure there's extra for a four-legged moocher to have after we finish eating.
Thankfully the biting for attention has mostly been cured - it continues to decrease daily, and I now have a pet corrector aerosol which stops him in his tracks, it produces a puff of air, and a loud sqwooshy noise. This has a startling effect on the targetted dog - it's a really useful bit of kit that can be used to correct unwanted behaviours without physical force being applied.
As they're bloody expensive, I'm happy to say that I can do a pretty good "chhhhwarrrf" noise that closely approximates the aerosol, with similar results.
I should say- this dog does NOT lack for attention, or play. Or toys. Or chewy things. Or treats.
A three hour session with a dog trainer resulted in him now walking to heel on the lead, and in me learning to control this canine disaster zone a little better. The sooner we start having obedience classes for him, the better (he starts in just under 3 weeks). I may see if there's another one-to-one session before that. Which brings me to my next problem.
I'm selling off excess audio to pay for the various expenses this dog has generated. My plan? Photograph an item, list on ebay, PACK IMMEDIATELY and store the parcel. This does NOT happen. I set up a photographic area to try and take a decent pic or two... it's immediately destroyed by Bugger Bones. This dog has, I think, been bred by Ninjas (did you know "Ninja" is an English word, the result of an incorrect translation of the word "Shinobi" by Ian Fleming? No? Neither did I until recently). He is a master of the Ninja Nose Prod of Death. This technique wakes me at 6.29 and 55 seconds each morning, just before my alarm goes off at 6.30. The death prod makes maximum use of the Cold Wet Nose of Utter Surprise at this time as well. It destroys normally stable stacks of ANYTHING. In short, very little happens without extreme hassle.
Talking of expenses... training harness. There are many good brands of training harnesses for sale in the UK. None of them is, apparently adequate for my purposes - we found that attaching his lead to a d-ring located in the chest area gave the best control. Apart from cheap knockoffs, there's one company producing this mil-spec item. They're in Israel. Their prices start at about $40 for the harness. Then you add $15 because he's XL size (seriously. This dog takes the same size harness as a great goddamn dane), then you add the $22 shipping.. then you add the real sting in the tail - import duty. £23. So this one item costs about £70-80. There are many other little things, and MY GOD those little things have added up!!!
He's asleep right now. So I'm taking a few minutes to vent. If I were to stand up though... "watcha doin, Mifter?"
Tomorrow my ex is going to help me list a bunch of gear on eBay. I hope that between the 2 of us, we can do the photography and distract the Dog of Doom long enough to get the listing and packing done.
I should, at this point, make a confession.
I think this awkward little git of a dog might just be saving my life. It's hard to be depressed when you're busy, and although walking is bloody painful (particularly in cold wet weather) I think that the endorphins are having a positive effect as well. I haven't had to resort to the oramorph in over a week now.
I could stand to lose a few more pounds (Just as well, I don't think this is optional anyway).
I get woken up by about 49/50kg of unconditional love every morning. I've tried to be angry about this, but it's damn near impossible. For all of his size, he manages to do a fantastic impression of a SMALL cute pup.
I'm actually glad he's here (he's been here a fortnight now). He fretted for a while after arriving, and lost quite a bit of weight - his growth rate is now up to 150 to 200g a day, and his size growth has resumed it's normal "Dude- did he GROW again?" rate.
Eh. For all he's screwing with pretty much any plans I have to get anything done, he's actually a pretty big part of my life now.
Another positive - if my weight loss keeps going at this rate, I'm gonna be beach body ready next summer for the first time in a long time. This dog is close to being the ultimate wingman - I've never been approached by so many women since I was a shredded gym-rat. This also was a long time ago...
Thankfully he's a gregarious little sod, and will take a fuss off pretty much anyone - I'm sure I can make use of this somehow
He's bought structure to my life (even if it is devoted to HIM). I get up at the same time every day, I exercise regularly, I eat regularly too.
I suppose I could safely admit to liking him a bit, I just hope I can keep improving his behaviour. We shall see. I bought 2 pet suppressors, I'm quietly hopeful. For all the hassle, if he were to go now, there would be a dog-shaped void in my life.
