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Ageing. It's a Bugger....

Sounds like the decision to gift was to avoid the government taking the house for potential care costs. I heard the law was changing though?
 
I figured others here have probably been through this, so looking for any advice, stories from the trenches, persuasive arguments for awkward old sods, even practical thoughts on whether we should even be considering this. Left up to him, he'd be happy - well, that's the wrong word - shall we say, resigned? - to living out his remaining days in a cocktail of bored isolation and increasing squalor (he's not cleaning the house well and refuses our offer to get a cleaner in a couple of days a week).

I know, I know, a very open-ended and contentious subject, but I - no, we - are at a loss here. You'd think he'd jump at the chance to be around family and the grandkids, but no.

Anyone?

I don't have any miracle answers. I strongly suspect that apart from a few very ubiquitous issues..there are no 'standard' solutions. My Mum was alone from my Dad's early death in 1976..until she went into care around 2008. She was a mix of someone who would do anything for anyone..with a bitterness and criticality which could be deeply hurtful.

What follows is a gross simplification of a few difficult years.

She coped amazingly well for a long while but, in an extension of a longer term character trait..became increasingly intolerant of anyone, including close friends..who she saw, on her terms, as less than perfect. Thus she lost all of her friends. My Sister lived close by but was ill and unable to help..though my Brother in Law visited Mum everyday to drop off a paper. He would also often pick up her pension for her. Stuff like that. I was living two hours away, so maybe my more occasional contact tended to highlight the changes, but I realised that she wasn't 'keeping house' too well, having previously been very houseproud indeed. "All paintwork with a damp cloth every day.. hoover every day and really 'bottom' all rooms once a week." was her mantra. I was finding burned out saucepans in the bin and other clues to her increasing forgetfulness.

Mum also had more time to ruminate on many things.which led to more than a few outbursts.

Next I started getting phone calls at random times:

"Why are you trying to put me in a home?" "What Mum..where did that come from?" "You said it.. before.." "We haven't spoken for a week Mum.."

We weren't of course.. and there were very sound financial.as well as emotional reasons for us keeping her out of 'homes'.. but she got it into her head and there was no shaking her.

In the end though..she was clearly unsafe and not coping, so we had no choice but to entrust her to the relevant medics for 'Assessment'. It took them 12 weeks to arrive at a conclusion of the 'bleedin' obvious'..

"She needs to be in an Alzheimer's approved care home" They really pissed us all off by demanding that we find her a suitable home 'yesterday'. I ended up telling some bloke that if he wasn't careful.. I too would take 12 weeks to make my mind up...

We got her into a nice home. She had pictures of family.TV etc.. Even though married to my Dad.. she had always kept a pic of a chap she knew before Dad. I don't recall his name.. but he died when HMS Hood was sunk in 1941. That is 'by the by', but Mum ..in her home.. gazed at his pic and told me.. "He was killed by the Germans".. at which point she pointed to a sports field opposite her room in the residential home and said: "They were all running accross that field and the Germans were shooting them all."
Just a hint at what Alzheimers can do...

In the end.. my Mum died in 2015.. three years after my sister.

Keeping it as brief as possible.. what followed was a batte with the Local Authority.

Mum lived in a 'council property'. She was offered 'Right to Buy'..but couldn't afford it. We paid it for her and created a 'Deed of Trust' which basically said the property was ours, but Mum could live in it as long as she wanted..or was able. We agreed to run all maintenance. This also relieved 'the authorities' of the burden of housing benefit etc., but they weren't happy with that.

The City Council challenged us and we went to court. The Council wanted the value of the property for which my Mum had paid rent for almost 50 years and which we had paid mortgage payments for yonks. We are not talking huge sums here.. the property was worth well south of £80k.

But.. we won. we proved our case and made minor legal history. It is all there online and anyone who wants to can PM me for details.

As an aside..

I never thought of myself as old. I was very capable of most things...within reason. ..but recently..and suddenly.. even the most minor physical activity is curtailed by arthritic pain.

This puts me in the same place as the OP's .err 'OP'. I'm losing control of my home.and my life. It is scary.Even simlpe physical tasks are just pain.
 
Thanks for sharing Mullardman. I saw similar effects with Vascular Dimentia in my mother in law who went from being a sweet old lady to a bit of a psycho in the space of two years, falling out with her neighbours of 50 years and even becoming violent. It’s a terrible state to end up in and makes me wonder if humans generally aren’t supposed to get that old. Perhaps we were better off in the 1970s when men used to die in middle age from a diet of chips cooked in lard and 40 woodbines a day.
 
Would it not be possible to (at least try to) put some humour, funny incidents or memories of happy/hilarious incidents in amongst interractions with those depressed, in pain, miserable or suffering?

Concentration on gloom and doom and depressing circumstances can prolong matters - if not make them worse.

I cannot recall having read anything more depressing than this thread for a long time.

I don't regard myself as either an optimist or pessimist: more of a 'neutral' on that spectrum.

This thread has not affected me, personally, adversely.
 
I tried TENS for low back pain quite a few years ago, but it didn’t help. Just saw this comment its Wikipedia page.

“…There is some evidence to support a benefit of using TENS in chronic musculoskeletal pain.[9] Results from a task force on neck pain in 2008 found no clinically significant benefit to TENS for the treatment of neck pain when compared to a placebo treatment. A 2010 review did not find evidence to support the use of TENS for chronic low back pain.”

That said, it does look slightly more promising for relief of other types of pain like neuropathy.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trans..._stimulation#Neuropathy_and_phantom_limb_pain

This less than successful experience has also caused me to hesitate when it comes to doctor recommendations of implantable devices that are also supposed to modulate or suppress pain signals to/in the brain.

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/hea...es/treating-pain-with-spinal-cord-stimulators

Re: acupuncture for knee pain relief (instead of TENS)...

see www.nhs.uk/conditions/acupuncture/
 
Would it not be possible to (at least try to) put some humour, funny incidents or memories of happy/hilarious incidents in amongst interractions with those depressed, in pain, miserable or suffering?

Concentration on gloom and doom and depressing circumstances can prolong matters - if not make them worse.

I cannot recall having read anything more depressing than this thread for a long time.

I don't regard myself as either an optimist or pessimist: more of a 'neutral' on that spectrum.

This thread has not affected me, personally, adversely.


What is stopping you from starting a thread with your requirements?

‘Ageing - It’s not a bugger’

I admire the reality of this thread. Good for those brave enough to post and those who relate to the circumstances described.
 
I'm just at the cliff edge with my mum regarding some of what has been previously posted. She refused a few years ago do do anything re her house or money(trust, etc). She comes from a generation where she would just not budge regarding this. She's been on her own for 14 years, after the death of my lovely step-dad in 2007.

My thoughts are it's her money anyway so why should it not be used to look after her? I've just purchased a lifeline panic button thingy for her, so if she can't get to her mobile or landline in an emergency, she can press that. Her memory is not too good, but we are finally in with her GP with a full assessment to get to the bottom of why she has high blood pressure - she's on initial tablets to remedy this - but high BP is usually the result of another causal factor? The GP is also now aware of her memory issues - my mum initially went to doctors on her own, but then only told them 1/2 the story. I've been with her to a subsequent appt, and have now got her to authorise me having medical access to her doctors/records etc.

I'm hoping that the very helpful GP will get to the bottom of her BP issue, and she can be stabilised for a while. My fear is she will go downhill rather rapidly.
 
The problem with “panic buttons” in my experience of three people we equipped with them is either
A) they never use it. Even if found having spent the night conscious on the floor after a fall
Or
B) they use them frivolously. My mother in law pressed hers for things like thinking the standby light on her tv meant the tv was on fire, hearing her late husband banging about upstairs in her bungalow and to report a lost dog.
 
The problem with “panic buttons” in my experience of three people we equipped with them is either
A) they never use it. Even if found having spent the night conscious on the floor after a fall
Or
B) they use them frivolously. My mother in law pressed hers for things like thinking the standby light on her tv meant the tv was on fire, hearing her late husband banging about upstairs in her bungalow and to report a lost dog.
A1- they take it off and forget it to put it back on
A2- they forget they have it on the wrist
A3- they don't remember it's a call button
 
Appreciate all the panic button comments, but I thought it at least worth a try.

I’ll also need to sort a key safe out.
 
We set up a key safe last month so that carers could get in at any time of day.
My cousin got one of the Carers to tell her the code and the next thing we knew the key safe was empty.
She had taken the key to stop them coming in!
 
I never thought of myself as old. I was very capable of most things...within reason. ..but recently..and suddenly.. even the most minor physical activity is curtailed by arthritic pain.

Well done that man, triumphing over local authorities (I have an ombudsman complaint against mine rumbling on after nearly a year).

Mull, have you considered cannabis of some form or another for your arthritis pain? You probably won't get much more done, but you'll better enjoy not doing it. :D (Bit of levity in some serious posts)

I've also been seizing up this year; worrying, as I've still got too much to do (physical and office work). Hopefully, the current sale of a flat might make life a bit simpler which should coincide with my getting simpler.
 
Sorry to hijack this thread, but instead of creating another related thread I figured best to search for an existing one, and this is about the closest I could find, so I'll append what I was going to write on a new thread here, so it's amongst kindred spirits etc...
---
My father, who has been on his own now for about nine years, is starting to struggle with stairs and has a lot of the 'old man problems' that you'd expect of a nearly-80-year-old who carries too much weight. His nice home is starting to decay due to his inability to keep on top of the routine maintenance, the garden is getting beyond him and he's also getting to be very stubborn. I'm about an hour and a bit away, my sister two hours away, and other than our visits, he barely sees anyone. He's - how can I put this - not exactly the most agreeable old gentleman, so over the years friends have fallen away (either through apathy, his cantankerousness, or just by passing). His social circumstances are a bit grim, and he shows no interest in doing much more than sitting at home, watching crap daytime TV and complaining about everything.

My sister and I are thinking about buying a flat near to her (something on the ground floor in a modern, quality development in a good part of Aberdeen - in fact, on the same street as my sister) and have seen a couple that would work well. Problem is, he refuses to give in to common sense. To be fair, he'd be far better off in a smaller, modern place, closer at least to my sister and her family. We already technically own his home (he passed it onto us a while back, but remains living there) and it probably needs a fair bit of work, which would be easier without having to work around him. Plus, he'd cope better with a nice, warm, easy to heat flat (that's actually very nice).

I figured others here have probably been through this, so looking for any advice, stories from the trenches, persuasive arguments for awkward old sods, even practical thoughts on whether we should even be considering this. Left up to him, he'd be happy - well, that's the wrong word - shall we say, resigned? - to living out his remaining days in a cocktail of bored isolation and increasing squalor (he's not cleaning the house well and refuses our offer to get a cleaner in a couple of days a week).

I know, I know, a very open-ended and contentious subject, but I - no, we - are at a loss here. You'd think he'd jump at the chance to be around family and the grandkids, but no.

Anyone?
Just a thought from an old medic.
It's worth asking his GP if it's worth, either his GP or the services for the elderly, to consider whether an antidepressant may help.
A surpringly high number of old people are depressed rather than just miserable, awkward or early dementia.
 
I'm just at the cliff edge with my mum regarding some of what has been previously posted. She refused a few years ago do do anything re her house or money(trust, etc). She comes from a generation where she would just not budge regarding this. She's been on her own for 14 years, after the death of my lovely step-dad in 2007.

My thoughts are it's her money anyway so why should it not be used to look after her? I've just purchased a lifeline panic button thingy for her, so if she can't get to her mobile or landline in an emergency, she can press that. Her memory is not too good, but we are finally in with her GP with a full assessment to get to the bottom of why she has high blood pressure - she's on initial tablets to remedy this - but high BP is usually the result of another causal factor? The GP is also now aware of her memory issues - my mum initially went to doctors on her own, but then only told them 1/2 the story. I've been with her to a subsequent appt, and have now got her to authorise me having medical access to her doctors/records etc.

I'm hoping that the very helpful GP will get to the bottom of her BP issue, and she can be stabilised for a while. My fear is she will go downhill rather rapidly.

heres hoping a power of attorney in place ? if she goes downhill fast you need one to assist with medical decisions etc and financial
 
This thread has not affected me, personally, adversely.

Yet it has affected you enough to cause you to add to it. :)

Well done that man, triumphing over local authorities (I have an ombudsman complaint against mine rumbling on after nearly a year).

Yep. It was actually quite funny in the end. We basically told the council. 'See you in court'. We were advised by our Solicitor, to engage the services of a Barrister.. for about five grand for the day....which was a bit of a risk.. But. .. Once we had finally all assembled after administrative delays (Something to do with a lack of 'Clerks' or somesuch), ..the Council solicitor.. a young lady who couldn't have been long qualified, launched into me with "So..what makes you think you own this property?" much in the manner of some B Movie prosecutor. Before I could retort words to the effect that this was not a criminal court and I was not on trial.. our Barrister objected and.. in effect 'slapped her down'. She was on the back foot from that point. By lunchtime, the Barrister was saying "I think we have this.." ..while getting a 'runner' to go off and find him a copy of some obscure legal tome. By the end we were pretty confident we'd won it. The final judgement went in our favour and we were awarded something like 95% costs too.
Result.

Mull, have you considered cannabis of some form or another for your arthritis pain? You probably won't get much more done, but you'll better enjoy not doing it. :D (Bit of levity in some serious posts)

The last time I actually smoked Cannabis.. I had a very bad time. Cannabis always had a somewhat unpredictable and usually unpleasant effect on me. (Unlike LSD and certain other 'substances' way back in the 60s..Man...:cool:.) This was less than 20 years ago and I'd been given a small 'deal' of resin. I made up a 'single skin' spliff..as was my wont..and had smoked half of it... resulting in feeling very well..:) Foolishly, after getting home from an evening with the lads.. I decided to smoke the rest of the thing.. with the result that I first went through uncontrollable munchies featuring a cheese sandwich with 1/2 inch thick cheddar filling..and then suffered vertigo of epic proportions.
It wasn't a pleasant night. That said.. I would consider using the legal Cannabis extracts. CBD?
 


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