I figured others here have probably been through this, so looking for any advice, stories from the trenches, persuasive arguments for awkward old sods, even practical thoughts on whether we should even be considering this. Left up to him, he'd be happy - well, that's the wrong word - shall we say, resigned? - to living out his remaining days in a cocktail of bored isolation and increasing squalor (he's not cleaning the house well and refuses our offer to get a cleaner in a couple of days a week).
I know, I know, a very open-ended and contentious subject, but I - no, we - are at a loss here. You'd think he'd jump at the chance to be around family and the grandkids, but no.
Anyone?
I don't have any miracle answers. I strongly suspect that apart from a few very ubiquitous issues..there are no 'standard' solutions. My Mum was alone from my Dad's early death in 1976..until she went into care around 2008. She was a mix of someone who would do anything for anyone..with a bitterness and criticality which could be deeply hurtful.
What follows is a gross simplification of a few difficult years.
She coped amazingly well for a long while but, in an extension of a longer term character trait..became increasingly intolerant of anyone, including close friends..who she saw, on her terms, as less than perfect. Thus she lost all of her friends. My Sister lived close by but was ill and unable to help..though my Brother in Law visited Mum everyday to drop off a paper. He would also often pick up her pension for her. Stuff like that. I was living two hours away, so maybe my more occasional contact tended to highlight the changes, but I realised that she wasn't 'keeping house' too well, having previously been very houseproud indeed. "All paintwork with a damp cloth every day.. hoover every day and really 'bottom' all rooms once a week." was her mantra. I was finding burned out saucepans in the bin and other clues to her increasing forgetfulness.
Mum also had more time to ruminate on many things.which led to more than a few outbursts.
Next I started getting phone calls at random times:
"Why are you trying to put me in a home?" "What Mum..where did that come from?" "You said it.. before.." "We haven't spoken for a week Mum.."
We weren't of course.. and there were very sound financial.as well as emotional reasons for us keeping her out of 'homes'.. but she got it into her head and there was no shaking her.
In the end though..she was clearly unsafe and not coping, so we had no choice but to entrust her to the relevant medics for 'Assessment'. It took them 12 weeks to arrive at a conclusion of the 'bleedin' obvious'..
"She needs to be in an Alzheimer's approved care home" They really pissed us all off by demanding that we find her a suitable home 'yesterday'. I ended up telling some bloke that if he wasn't careful.. I too would take 12 weeks to make my mind up...
We got her into a nice home. She had pictures of family.TV etc.. Even though married to my Dad.. she had always kept a pic of a chap she knew before Dad. I don't recall his name.. but he died when HMS Hood was sunk in 1941. That is 'by the by', but Mum ..in her home.. gazed at his pic and told me.. "He was killed by the Germans".. at which point she pointed to a sports field opposite her room in the residential home and said: "They were all running accross that field and the Germans were shooting them all."
Just a hint at what Alzheimers can do...
In the end.. my Mum died in 2015.. three years after my sister.
Keeping it as brief as possible.. what followed was a batte with the Local Authority.
Mum lived in a 'council property'. She was offered 'Right to Buy'..but couldn't afford it. We paid it for her and created a 'Deed of Trust' which basically said the property was ours, but Mum could live in it as long as she wanted..or was able. We agreed to run all maintenance. This also relieved 'the authorities' of the burden of housing benefit etc., but they weren't happy with that.
The City Council challenged us and we went to court. The Council wanted the value of the property for which my Mum had paid rent for almost 50 years and which we had paid mortgage payments for yonks. We are not talking huge sums here.. the property was worth well south of £80k.
But.. we won. we proved our case and made minor legal history. It is all there online and anyone who wants to can PM me for details.
As an aside..
I never thought of myself as old. I was very capable of most things...within reason. ..but recently..and suddenly.. even the most minor physical activity is curtailed by arthritic pain.
This puts me in the same place as the OP's .err 'OP'. I'm losing control of my home.and my life. It is scary.Even simlpe physical tasks are just pain.