Best things heard in a pub.

[Joe Hutch]

that is appallingly bag. I assume you've lost your booking at the fringe with that

Worse than that. The BBC have cancelled my 6.30 comedy show. In advance.

 

[Adam N]

A bra and a battery walk into a bar, the landlord says:
"I'm sorry I can't serve you two"
"Why?" says the bra
"Well you're off your tits and your friend looks like he's about to start something."

 

[martin clark]

Neutron enters a bar, orders a pint.
Barman says -'for you - no charge.'

 

[ks.234]

I saw Van Gogh in the Bar the other day.

“Vincent, you’re my hero”, said I, “let me buy you a drink”

“No thanks”, said Vincent! “I’ve got one ear”

 

[Seeker_UK]

 

[Jamie]

Man tries to get in a pub, but gets refused, as he is not wearing a tie.
No problem, he thinks, I've got one in the car. Goes to the car, but can't find it, all he has are some jump leads. Ties them round his neck, goes back to the pub.
Bouncer says 'ok, but don't start anything'.

 

[Tony Lockhart]

A white horse walks into a pub.

The barman says “We’ve a whisky named after you!”

The horse replies “What, Eric?”

 

[Big Tabs]

A large grizzly bear walks up to the bar, and doesn’t say a word.

Man behind the bar leans in towards the bear.








“Why the big pause…?”

 

[Pete MB&D]

Polar bear walks into a bar and says can I have a pint















of bitter.

The barman says why the big pause, the polar bear says “I’m a polar bear”.

Termite walks into a bar and says is the bartender here.

 

[Seeker_UK]

A crocodile goes into a bar and orders a pint of bitter.

The barman asks, "why the long face?"

 

[Seeker_UK]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

"What is this? Some Kind of joke?" asks the landlord.

 

[Seeker_UK]

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder and asks the barman "Can I have a pint of beer please, and a scotch for 'tiny', here."

The barman gets the drinks and asks the guy "why's he called 'tiny'?"

To which the answers "because he's my newt..."

 

[ks.234]

Man goes into a bar and orders a crocodile sandwich, adding, “and make it snappy”

 

[Seeker_UK]

A man walks into a bar with a pile of asphalt.

"A pint for me please and one for the road."

 

[robs]

Surely there's something in the AUP against this...how can the mods let it continue....?

 

[JensenHealey]

A Gorilla walks into a bar and orders a pint. He gets served. ‘That’ll be £4.90 please’.

a few moments later the barman gets curious. ‘ if you don’t mind me asking….but we don’t get many Gorillas in here’. The Gorilla replies ‘I’m not surprised, especially at with these beer prices!’